At the root of it all, we are just fucked up people looking for our own peace of mind. This is my heart bleeding before you, try not to slip and fall on your ass.
Hey, I'm Britney, a film school grad with a heart of glass and a knack for schooling bitches on pop culture knowledge. Love me.
I’m currently watching Brink in my sunny, warm room by the I-24 and I am both happy and sad at the same time. Tears for Sam as she left on the bus last night for Washington. Nostalgia as I said good-bye to the city I called home for six and a half years. Excitement for all the good that is yet to come.
I feel bad for Brink, he hustles his shit everyday. School, then Pup n’ Suds, then the sell-out sponsored team session, then the Soul Skaters session. He lives a double life, and that sucks, but I get it. He just wants to have it all, the glory, the fame, the friendships, the money to help his folks out. And he’s getting shit from all sides all the while. Life is rough.
Moral of the story, get your shit done, but don’t put too much on your plate, because if you do, you will explode. We’re only human, even if we think we can juggle anything, it’s ok to take it easy once in the while. If we don’t, all the good stuff will just pass us by. That is a lesson I will have to learn time and time again.
My boss let me know today that there will probably be a paid job for me coming soon, if they can get funding for it. I’m so delighted that even with this short amount of time that I’ve been an intern for them, I have been helping enough that they want me on staff officially!
Totally makes transcribing an entire film (what I was working on today) all worth it!
It’s hard to pinpoint when it happened exactly. While flipping through my day calendar, it was clear that I was in fact happy at the beginning of the year - even on through February and bits of March. Everything written neatly in purple ink, actual events marked in; restaurant, book and blog recommendations from Lyft passengers were jotted down. Then slowly but surely the purple fades into black half-heated scribbles and those recommendations I never looked into. And while talking with my dad in the car on Cinco de Mayo before visiting the Stanley Kubrik he uttered matter-of-factly, “maybe you’re depressed.” Several hours later I partied too hard and made a big mess of things (literally AND figuratively) yet again.
I started watching Sex and the City a little while ago. I can’t tell if it was the best idea or very worst. I’ve been witholding watching the show because it just never really appealed to me. I’m not a shoe girl, I’m not a size 2, I prefer a pint glass to cosmos; let’s just say I’m more of a Girls kind of girl. Or so I thought. Now that I have just started the sixth season (part A?) and can’t seem to stop until its over, I see that the themes and ideas expressed really hit home. Yes, it hurts to watch the lifestyle they lead, but at the root of it, we all feel the same feels once in a while. Exhibit A:
What is happening right now is a realization that I am past existential crisis heading towards a clinical depressive train wreck. One of my very close friends isn’t talking to me over a horrible mistake. I am removed from emotion when it comes to a certain guy I may or may not be seeing? My humor seems to have gone missing. I’m lonely. I’m easily irritated. I have an awful feeling at the back of my throat almost all the time. This is another really hard time. And although a year or so ago I may have thought I would never be here again, it looks as though I am. And it doesn’t show a sign of stopping soon.
Therapy is the answer I’m turning towards, and I am hopeful it will help as people I’ve talked to says it does wonders. I hate being in this way. I hate feeling like no one cares, when I know it isn’t true. I can’t wait until everything feels right again.
PS: I apologize for how terribly written this was, it’s been some time and I’m a little rusty.
In fifth grade, the year was 1998-9 and the hot thing were those little butterfly clip things for your hair. Well, my teacher, Mrs. Ton, thought it was fun to go around class and harass her students’ heads as they were doing work. Needless to say, she was OBSESSED with playing with those damn clips and fucking up our hair that we so perfectly pseudo-cornrowed that morning.
One day, I fell victim to her prowess when she chose me as her prey and BROKE A CLIP OFF OF MY HAIR. So the rest of the day I had to face the ridicule of walking around school with uneven hair, silently furious. On the exterior, I was a good Catholic girl and said it was no big deal when she apologized for her fuck up.
She ended up buying me a whole new set of clips, which was very sweet of her to do. Incidentally, I really did enjoy her as a teacher and I was one of the few who actually did well in her class, but GURL. Do NOT mess with a tiny leo and her hair.
Yesterday I had the bright idea of upgrading my Mac OS to Mountain Lion so I can be cool and hip and text message my homies on my laptop and what not. It seemed so easy, all I had to do was download an App from the “AppStore” and hit install? Fuck no. Nothing in my life is that easy.
This is a short, silent film that I made in Fall 2010. It’s a little rough, but it was my first experience working with a real professional grade camera. I’m digging through the vault to remember where I was when I stopped filmmaking and entered the retail work force to earn my keep.
Now that that stage is over (hopefully) it is time to get back into practice.
And just like that, we’re already two weeks into a new year. It’s amazing how fast time will fly without focus, succumbing to all distractions and not to mention the insanity that the holidays create. Hopefully, with some changes and new outlooks the road ahead will look clearer and better paths will present themselves if we persist.
In my life, I have already created a few changes for myself. I decided to quit my cashier job in order to make myself more available for any opportunity that may present itself. At the moment, I’m using this time to work on reestablishing my skill set that I learned in school.
I don’t have ‘resolutions’ for this year, because I know that whatever concrete idea I declare will go ignored. That’s just how I work unfortunately. It’s the little goals, the small changes you make over time that you keep at the forefront of your mind that will yield you results in the longrun. (For me at least).
As a result of the available time I have, I’ve been hitting the gym on a more regular basis and even started going to Bikram yoga. That stuff is intense, but I feel like I can already feel the change in myself. Yesterday I walked over five miles without stopping or getting too winded.
This year’s theme is going to be focus. I need to focus on what I want, focus on the people I love, focus on the world around me. Thirteen is my lucky number, I hope this will be my lucky year!
I turned in my two weeks’ notice today. It was hard and weird because I liked being there for the most part. In the end, that job will get me no where, my talents are not being exercised, I disagree with new protocol and so the cons outweigh the pros on this one.
A couple days ago, (maybe even a week ago?) I came home and to my dismay, I found a spider on my ceiling near my closet door. If you know me, you know that I am TERRIFIED by spiders and all MUST DIE! For some reason, though, I wasn’t afraid of Mr. Spider who made his home on my ceiling. I let him stay.
Sometimes I would see him spin down a little, as though to check himself out in the mirror of my closet door. At first it startled me, because he did this once whilst I was putting on makeup near said door. But I thought it was cute, like he was coming down to say hello and wish me a good day.
Tonight, that spider decided to spin down a little too low for my comfort level. I watched it travel down… down… down nearing floor territory. I begged it to go back up to his home on the ceiling but he didn’t stop. Tonight, I killed my pet spider out of an irrational fear. I do not regret it, and I’m not sad, but it doesn’t change the feeling that my little room feels a little emptier.
Soooo I decided to actually participate in Halloween this year so as to not be such a spoil sport. I decided on a last minute costume to wear to work, Rosie the Riveter! I think it came together quite well given that I decided just this morning.
In January 2009, I scored the job of my dreams (at the time, musical theatre was my be all/end all) as merch crew for Wicked. I worked for the SF production for the better part of two years. Honestly, I got tired of hearing the same shit over and over, and now after its been gone for 2 years, I miss it SO much. I am definitely gonna pay to see this when it comes back. I will probably cry. I always cry for musical theatre.