It’s hard to pinpoint when it happened exactly. While flipping through my day calendar, it was clear that I was in fact happy at the beginning of the year - even on through February and bits of March. Everything written neatly in purple ink, actual events marked in; restaurant, book and blog recommendations from Lyft passengers were jotted down. Then slowly but surely the purple fades into black half-heated scribbles and those recommendations I never looked into. And while talking with my dad in the car on Cinco de Mayo before visiting the Stanley Kubrik he uttered matter-of-factly, “maybe you’re depressed.” Several hours later I partied too hard and made a big mess of things (literally AND figuratively) yet again.
I started watching Sex and the City a little while ago. I can’t tell if it was the best idea or very worst. I’ve been witholding watching the show because it just never really appealed to me. I’m not a shoe girl, I’m not a size 2, I prefer a pint glass to cosmos; let’s just say I’m more of a Girls kind of girl. Or so I thought. Now that I have just started the sixth season (part A?) and can’t seem to stop until its over, I see that the themes and ideas expressed really hit home. Yes, it hurts to watch the lifestyle they lead, but at the root of it, we all feel the same feels once in a while. Exhibit A:
What is happening right now is a realization that I am past existential crisis heading towards a clinical depressive train wreck. One of my very close friends isn’t talking to me over a horrible mistake. I am removed from emotion when it comes to a certain guy I may or may not be seeing? My humor seems to have gone missing. I’m lonely. I’m easily irritated. I have an awful feeling at the back of my throat almost all the time. This is another really hard time. And although a year or so ago I may have thought I would never be here again, it looks as though I am. And it doesn’t show a sign of stopping soon.
Therapy is the answer I’m turning towards, and I am hopeful it will help as people I’ve talked to says it does wonders. I hate being in this way. I hate feeling like no one cares, when I know it isn’t true. I can’t wait until everything feels right again.
PS: I apologize for how terribly written this was, it’s been some time and I’m a little rusty.